digital baptism: submergence in the binary stream of subordinance

welcome to the project!

this stream of content is brought to you by the unsettled mind of a restless shipwreck of a human being. somehow the remains are still afloat. they aimlessly haunt whatever waters they happen to get washed into. the colors go all wrong when you get close enough to see. marvelous clouds of ectoplasm twist the light into inconceivable swirling hues that glow and strobe with a chaotic tenderness. it's all so alien. it's all so entrancing. it's so very hard to leave. but everyone has a limit. when wayward sailors and wondering women of the sea come in contact they are are oh so intrigued. they have a cup and they think they can fill it here. consume a piece of the abstraction and break free of what they've found themselves trapped in. normally normality. but once things get too foreign to define, it's time to abandon ship. because Nietzsche was right. if you gaze into the abyss long enough, it will gaze back into you. my heart is the hole in the horizon. absence unlimited. anything is possible in the territory of the chaotic neutral. a blank slate absent of belief makes an invincible sail that all sorts of pictures will paint themselves upon.

i've lost sight of the land. i can't walk on the solid-sphere without my sea legs going all wavy-gravy. without the rhythm of the raving sea beneath my belly navigation will fail me. the land of the lost is where i pay the final cost. a roaming plane of the Mundane. no morphing. no change. everything is painfully plain.

i could go through my past right now. tell you how i trapped myself in my psuedo-paradox. the open mobius loop of desires falling in and out of themselves at once. but i'll spare the details and minimize the story enough to fit in a few short sentences. it is an equal summation of nature vs. nurture. i'm just as guilty as the people from my past. we all did this to me. and now it's become clear that i have a decision to make. i can watch this ship wreck get splintered into smaller scattered pieces or i can start building a new craft out of what's left. if i rebuild i will never be able to replicate the original design. i know this. and i can deal with this issue by either keeping a small skiff at hand for the rest of life's voyage, or i can learn to leave the sea that loves me...that is me. and over time become a dry being once again.

i wish sobering up from a dream wasn't so real...or terrifying.